I'm not sure why but I feel its time.
It's time to tell my story.
I'll be honest right up front. It isn't pretty and it may get long, but I want you to understand one thing:
God still works miracles.
I remember clearly the day I died. Okay, I didn't literally die, but it sure felt like it. I guess to understand what I'm talking about, we'd have to go back further.
About 6 years ago, I walked away from God. And He let me go. Just like in the story of the prodigal son, He didn't argue but simply said, "I'm letting you go."
My wife and I had been the youth pastors at our church for almost three years. During that time, God dis some amazing things in my life. You'd think, that after the experiences I had, I'd never walk away from Him. I thought so too.
I remember being so sold out to living a life for the Father. I wanted so much to become a pastor and teach people about this great God I knew. We didn't have much and I knew we wouldn't have a lot as we began to minister. It was my sincere prayer to God one day. I prayed, "God, I would suffer poverty if I could just serve You."
Little did I know that a trial was coming that I would fail. Had I known what was about to happen, I wouldn't have made such a rash prayer.
We came upon some hard financial times. The details aren't important. What is important to note is that I began to get distracted by 'the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches.' (Matthew 13:22)
I was a department manager for Mervyn's and I started to work my butt off for a promotion. Well, a year later, I got it. And started to lose everything I once held dear. I thought that now that I had enough money, things would be better.
But the more I had, the more stingy I became.
Enough soon became not enough.
You'd think that Mervyn's going out of business one month after my promotion would have been enough to get my head straight again. I'll be honest, I considered changing careers than and getting back to what God wanted. But the cares of this world already had a choke hold on me.
Don't get me wrong. It is honorable to want to provide for your family. But not at the expense of your relationship with God.
I took a position as an assistant manager for Kohls. but, like I said, enough was no longer enough. Once again, I began to work my butt off for a promotion.
It only took a year and a half before I was being considered for a promotion to a store manager.
But it was all wrong...
That's when everything inside me died.
It was 3 years ago in July. I remember that day clearly. I pulled into the store parking lot to start another long overnight shift. It had been raining.
I parked my van and looked out the window. I saw a rainbow in the sky and, at that moment, I felt my heart die. The only way I can describe it is that my life fogged up and I simply didn't care about anything anymore. ANYTHING.
Remember that rainbow. It's important.
I won't get hung up on dates and timing because I honestly don't remember much of the next six months. I do remember that things seemed to speed up, but slow down at the same time. It was like the big events of life came like waves, but the day to day actions played out in slow motion.
I was geting my 'wish.' An opportunity came up to make a transfer that would be the next step to a promotion. You'd think I'd be excited.
But I felt like my world was spinning out of control and I didn't know what was going on.
The most I remember is that my waking moments became darkness. My successes became utter failures in my mind. My days were long and grueling. I was going to be promoted, but I felt like I was being fired. I would come home and my kids would hug me with so much love. You'd think I'd be proud of that, but I felt like a dead beat dad who didn't give a crap about his kids.
Everything felt so dark and wrong.
I remember asking my boss if I was doing okay. He gave me this crazy confused look. It wasn't like me to be insecure about my performance. I mean, come on, I was heading to a promotion. I just wanted to quit, crawl into a hole, and never wake up.
Don't worry...
It get's worse...
One evening, I was driving to work for another overnight shift. I truly didn't want to go to work. Calling in and quitting would have been just fine.
Okay, remember the rainbow?
It was back...
It had been raining and, driving down the freeway, I saw a rainbow again. For the first time in a long time, I heard the voice of the Father again.
"My promises," He said.
I remembered Noah and the flood and God's promise not to destroy the earth again by flood. At that moment, the song on the Christian radio station, KLOVE, ended. The dj came on and she said, 'If you're going through a hard time, I want to remind you of God's promises. Jeremiah 29:11 says, 'For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope.'
Okay. The only time I tell my kids not to worry, I'm not trying to hurt you, is when they are about to go through some pain caused by my own hand. Like having to clean a bad cut or something. I let them know, 'This might sting. But its for your own good."
That's what God was telling me. He was saying, "Son, you're about to go through some really bad stuff, but you need to know, I'm not trying to purposely hurt you. This is for your own good."
Some weeks went by (I think) and my 'promotion' came. I was to report as the temporary store manager at a store 1 hour away. 100 mile round trip. Yeah, it was a long crappy direve. But it was God's plan.
He was taking away my time...
I reported to work feeling like a failure. All the things I thought I could do blew away with the wind. All the solutions to problems evaded me and I was confused. Then God moved again.
Exactly seven days later, my daughter woke up late at night with severe stomach pains. My wife took her to the emergency room. I became overrun with anxiety. I lost it. After many hours and some tests, they found that my daughter had an appendicitis. No big deal right? Wrong. The anxiety was so bad I felt like my daughter was dying.
The Father was showing me, i could lose my family...
Exactly seven days later, I was in a car accident. It totaled my new car. I only had it for thirty days. That day was horrible. I felt like I was spinning out of control. Lost and confused.
God took away my money...
Four days later (Thanksgiving Day 2010), I lay in bed trying to sleep so I could last the toughest day in retail. But, as I lay there realizing that with my time, my family, and my money gone, all I had left was me.
And I didn't like what was me. In fact, I abhorred who I was.
I was ready to die. Literally.
I won't go into the details, but my thoughts flipped me out so much that I almost called 911. I was so scared. I came this close to pushing a knife into my stomach. Thankfully my wife came home with the kids. I put the knife down. I told her what I almost did. She pulled me out of the kitchen and took me to our bedroom. I lost it. I wept and wept. I was scared but at the same time, I didn't care. My life was over.
My wife got someone to watch the kids while we went to a crisis center. The counselor there recommended going to the hospital.
I talked to another crisis counselor there and he suggested I admit myself to the mental health facility. I was suffering from a major depression.
I admitted myself to the hospital.
I was there for 8 days.
8 days of confusion, yet I began to understand.
I began to understand what was was going on in me. I began to realize the feelings of failure (even though I was succeeding) were a result of depression. And I began to realize that I had been suffering not for months, but years. Over 10 years.
The thing about depression is that it enslaves you. It tricks you and deceives you. Given enough time it makes you believe that it is normal. That life has always been this way. It is a nasty beast. It makes you think you deserve it and it can even make you crave it.
It is confusing.
I spent two months off work, trying to understand my condition. Trying to learn how to manage it. Deep down inside I didn't want to let it kill me. I wanted to live.
But it was a vicious tug of war. One day I felt great and the next I wanted to die. One day I could see the light breaking through the clouds and the next it was utter darkness.
But God wasn't done.
I remember one day. I felt horrible. I had mismanaged my life and my job and things seemed utterly hopeless. I was getting desperate. That knife was looking like a good option again. I was afraid and hurting. I knew deep down, I needed God back. I needed His help. I called a hotline that was supposed to help you find Jesus. I shared my desperation with the man on the line and...
And I got the most pitiful prayer I have ever heard and then a good-bye. I was furious and scared. These people were supposed to help me find God!
So I called a christian radio station to talk to a staff pastor and...
"The pastors aren't in today,' said the woman on the line. "Is this an emergency?"
(yes) No," I said and hung up. I wanted to die. If God had set up these places for people to find help and find Him, then what did this mean.
He didn't want to help. He didn't want me.
"Why don't you want me?!" I cried out. I wept and despaired. God didn't want me.
Then...
A whisper...
Deep inside...
"I do want you. I want you to want Me. You know I can change this. But you are turning to man and not to Me."
Over the next couple of weeks, through my weekly counseling sessions I began to realize my problem. Well, actually, I already knew my problem. I guess, you can say I began to admit my problem.
I think most of us, for the most part, know deep down the problems we have. the thing we lack. The things that keep us from God. And even the fact that He can fix them.
It is foolishness that keeps us away. And it is through foolishness that God saves us.
It is a deeply foolish mystery that the all powerful God of the universe, instead of destroying us for rebellion, would send His own Son to become the very thing He despises. It is foolishness that He would allow His Son, full of His power and goodness, to be nailed to planks of wood and hang until dead just to say, "I love you." FOOLISHNESS
"The message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." 1 Corinthians 1:18
See, the cross, Jesus' sacrifice, is complete and utter foolishness. Why turn to a God who would kill His own Son? It doesn't make sense.
"It's because you aren't letting Me save you."
The whisper again. As I sat on my bed next to my wife and read this passage.
"For it is written: 'I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent." Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the disputer of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of this world? For since in the wisdom of God, the world through wisdom did not know God, it pleased God through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe.
"Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.
"But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise..."
And then it happened...
I realized my error. That I had walked away from God. I had forsaken His salvation. I became foolish. But God does great things with a man's foolishness.
I didn't cry out for help. I didn't ask for healing. I simply realized my error and wept.
Then...
Light...
Fresh air...
Peace...
It filled the room. Though my eyes were squeezed shut, I could see light. I could feel a presence filling every corner of the room and chasing away every shadow. And with it came peace. A held breath that had seemed stuck in my chest for a decade finally escaped my mouth and I breathed... LIFE
Genesis 2:7 says, "And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being."
I came alive. I felt the hand of God undoing the depression, anxiety, and despair in my mind. It was like laying in a pool of cool water on a hot day. It was heaven.
My weeping turned to laughter. My darkness turned to light. My lungs were opened. My eyes could see.
"I'm alive." I told my wife as I stood and took a breath. I was back from a long trip away.
God was back.
Years of pressure on my chest from anxiety were stripped away. Knots of depression in my abdomen were loosed. And it seemed like for the first time in my life, I felt joy.
All because God came down and picked me up.
Darkness fled when He came down.
Depression fled when He came down.
Anxiety fled when He came down.
And I...
I bowed down and gave Him everything. I could no longer live life on my own terms. I gave it all to Him because my life is safer in His hands.
My life changed because God came down.
Yours will too, if you ask Him, "Please, come down."
